I don’t like transitions. I’m not good at transitions. I know this as a teacher–it’s my weak point in lesson plans. But also personally, it’s just not something I’m good at. I don’t like endings. I don’t like saying goodbye. I don’t like knowing I wont be able to return to comfortable patterns. I don’t like that I can’t depend on those aspects of life upon which I’ve come to rely. Even when I know the end result will be a good one, I don’t like the process of getting there. I know I’m not alone.
And this transition, leaving a position I’ve loved and realizing that I needed to move on in order to grow, and going to an amazing new opportunity that will give me so much room to learn and explore and succeed…this transition has been really tough for me.
Maybe it’s because I’ve established roots. Or because I’ve made some really good friends. Or because I’ve had an impact through my work and, in ways, through just being here. Or, probably, all of the above and more. I’ve had a great experience these past years–and I know that many have been influenced by my time here.
But I also know it is time to move on.
And I also know that it’s really, really hard.
I had a spat with a friend earlier. So many, those I think of as my closest friends and others in the community also, have been so supportive and wonderful through this. They’ve given me what I needed and what I wanted. They have been great. This friend has been, too. But then I took out all my emotion on my friend because at another moment, that friend couldn’t be there in the way that I wanted. It was selfish of me. And it wasn’t fair of me. I know that. I feel bad about that. I even knew that when I lashed out. But I felt hurt–mainly because of the hurt that I feel upon leaving here. And I felt anger–not at my friend, really, and not even at the situation–but anger at the fact that I didn’t want things to change in life as I know it before I leave, knowing how much it’s going to change as I drive away tomorrow. Frustration that the patterns that I had grown used to were entirely broken, before they were supposed to be, without any forewarning. I lashed out because I had to lash out at change–and so I latched onto the change that was apparent. I hope my friend accepts my apology. I hope my friend gets where I was coming from. And I hope that I’m able to be kinder to other friends as I move through this moment. I hope that I am given kindness, as well.
But, yeah, transition is difficult. Change is hard. Even when it’s good change.
And that’s where I am. I’m sad. I’m really sad. And that’s coming out at times in ways that I don’t expect. And I’m excited. I’m really excited. And I’m happy. I’m really happy. And I know that amazing things are ahead of me. I am going to a great place to do great work. And I know that I will.
I’m just a bit sad getting there. And I think that’s ok.